I know this is only my third post but I don't have anything else on my mind at the moment but this. It is not about my love of decorating, thrifting or my amazing family. Instead it is something serious and not so fun but for some reason today it is all I can think about. Some of you may know of my struggle with infertility and some of you may not but my husband and I had tried for several years to get pregnant on our own before we sought help from a doctor. I'm so grateful that we did, it was because of the help of our amazing fertility doctor, Dr. Barry Whitten that we have our almost two year old daughter. We were lucky in a way...not only were we able to get pregnant but it didn't require us using Invetro Fertilization. Instead we used what is called an IUI which is much less invasive and expensive. They still don't know exactly why I have infertility issues, their best guess is that my body rejects the possibility because it thinks it is invading bacteria. Weird, huh.
Well after having our daughter we went back and forth about if we should try for another one. Anyone who has experienced infertility will tell you that trying over and over again is SUCH an emotional roller coaster...and NOT the kind that you want to get right back on. It leaves you sobbing in the bathroom every month as the realization that you are not pregnant becomes evident. Well after over a year of discussion we finally decided to try for a second (and final) child. Well our new insurance does not cover ANY of the financial cost of testing that are involved in trying to get pregnant...any there are LOTS of test. So we decided that we could only afford two rounds...which costs around $3000.00
We tried for the first time in May, right as we were beginning the testing and examination phase of that month I started have unusually bleeding but nothing that seemed too alarming to anyone. That month was not a success and I cried. Then I cried some more. Then I remembered that we had one more shot, June. Well June came and they started me on Clomid (a medicine which can help induce ovulation). I hate clomid. I had previously done a year of clomid before we got pregnant with our daughter. Clomid makes me crazy...I'm talking full-on psycho. I don't know how my husband survived that year?! Anyway, the strange bleeding got worse. They did more tests and could find nothing wrong. The day I went in for my final IUI I began bleeding very heavily just minutes before the scheduled procedure. I was devastated because I knew this was the end for us. Not only was I left to deal with the fact that (bar a small miracle, which I'm not holding my breath for) I was not going to have another baby, but now I was told to immediately get testing done to make sure I didn't have cervical caner. Talk about a stressful couple of weeks. Well, the good news is the test show that there is no sign of cancer.
Still I was a mess for days. It's not that our daughter is not enough, she is more than enough. It's just that I want the world for her, and in my mind that includes a playmate, a friend, a brother or sister to share her world with. I am heartbroken that I can not give her that. Today I am sad, I don't know why today... hopefully it will not be this way tomorrow. But today, right now, I'm broken.